After I posted that huge rant of a post the other day; I had a nap. It calmed me down. Which is nice. But that meant that I didn't have that fight and anger in me still, to follow out the plan.
So, I'm still not back on track.
I've decided I'm not aloud to write another blog after this until I have at least one good day.
I am so over this shit. I am over my failure.
I've gained a ridiculous amount of weight. I don't even want to post what I weighed in at this morning :\ .. I'll post my weight when I'm back on track. So then I'll be losing it so I won't be so ashamed. I just can't right now.
None of my clothes fit again. Or they fit grossly. I'm full on fat again.
Wish me luck, in this endless battle.
-Kayla <3
Tuesday 20 March 2012
Sunday 18 March 2012
I just want an apology
So. I have obviously been doing horribly. Obvious because the lack of posts.
But today came the motivation that I needed.
My dad went skits at me for no reason. I was just going to the kitchen for a snack (I think I may have B.E.D.) and he started having a go at me.
He told me to fuck off. He was getting really worked up. I just stared him down for a few seconds and came into my bedroom. He has a history of hitting me. So I'm not taking my chances with him.
But anyway. I've come to the conclusion that everyone is more peaceful when I'm starving. So that is what I shall do. Starve.
I am going to continue starving, plus acting as if he doesn't exist; until he apologizes to me.
So, I'm not eating for the rest of the day. Then tomorrow I'll be starting the ABC diet. But I don't have to meet the calorie limit everyday. Just as long as I don't go over. :)
So, before work tomorrow, I'll have a 59 calories yogurt, then a 37 cal fruit bag after work. But not letting them see me eat.
So the aim of this game is to make them think I am eating nothing. Or little to nothing. They will not have the privileged of seeing the little amount of calories that I do consume. Like I will be. But I am going to make my parents, especially my dad, suffer with worry and guilt.
I just want to scream. I need to get away from here. I'm too fat for any of my clothes though.
Get ready for daily blogs of ABC again! :)
Make them worry.
-Kayla <3
But today came the motivation that I needed.
My dad went skits at me for no reason. I was just going to the kitchen for a snack (I think I may have B.E.D.) and he started having a go at me.
He told me to fuck off. He was getting really worked up. I just stared him down for a few seconds and came into my bedroom. He has a history of hitting me. So I'm not taking my chances with him.
But anyway. I've come to the conclusion that everyone is more peaceful when I'm starving. So that is what I shall do. Starve.
I am going to continue starving, plus acting as if he doesn't exist; until he apologizes to me.
So, I'm not eating for the rest of the day. Then tomorrow I'll be starting the ABC diet. But I don't have to meet the calorie limit everyday. Just as long as I don't go over. :)
So, before work tomorrow, I'll have a 59 calories yogurt, then a 37 cal fruit bag after work. But not letting them see me eat.
So the aim of this game is to make them think I am eating nothing. Or little to nothing. They will not have the privileged of seeing the little amount of calories that I do consume. Like I will be. But I am going to make my parents, especially my dad, suffer with worry and guilt.
I just want to scream. I need to get away from here. I'm too fat for any of my clothes though.
Get ready for daily blogs of ABC again! :)
Make them worry.
-Kayla <3
Tuesday 6 March 2012
My quick updates always turn into super long posts
You can always tell when I'm not doing well. I don't post as much.
I was going to start the ABC again yesterday, but I didn't because I went out with a friend to buy an outfit for a concert on Wednesday, and we got lunch. So I ate whatever I wanted the rest of the day pretty much.. I didn't eat before that though..
But then after that I was like, oh, I can't start it yet anyway, because it is my brothers and sister birthday next week, Monday and Wednesday, so there will be cake and take away for dinner ect.
So I am going to start the ABC diet on the 16th of March. I think I've said that in a different post. But oh well :)
Anyone want to join me? :D
I told my friend that I was still a vegetarian. She said "my mission for today is to make you eat meat!"
My response: "..no.. I don't want to eat meat.."
Her: "You're going to eat meat."
Me: "No I'm not."
Her: "Yes you arrrreee! Why not?"
Me: "I just don't want to. You can't force me. I just don't want to eat it."
Her: "Well, McDonald's doesn't even have real meat in it anyway, so you are going to eat a cheeseburger WITH the meat"
Me: "actually, McDonald's is 100% Beef and chicken"
Her: "yeah. Suuuureee it is."
Me: "It is. I'll seriously print out all of the proof and everything for you. I will go out of my way just to prove to you that it is"
Her: "Sure sure. You're going to eat it anyway"
Me: No I'm not. I'm going to go for at least a year. I'm not eating meat. I feel cleaner. I'll eat lunch with you. Just not the meat."
Her: "A YEAR!? Ha, no. You're definitely eating meat today!"
Me: "no thanks."
She wasn't saying it in a mean way. But it did feel like pressure. I wasn't going to give in of course. I don't have a weakness towards meat anymore.
Gosh, image her if I said I wasn't eating lunch at all. She always tries and pressures me into eating junk food when I am on a specific diet.
She's my longest and only friend. There isn't any hate towards her, she just has different ways of thinking about food is all.
I took my measurement yesterday, when I woke up.
Prepare for a shock.
All of my measurements were down, since the end of ABC. Except my weight and my waist.
My waist was a cm or two up, I think that is because my belly still had food in it. And my weight is up, well, because of this horrible food rampage I am on.
I won't post the actual numbers now, I'll retake them and post them when I start the ABC diet.
I put on the outfit I got for the concert I am going to on Wednesday, to show my mum and dad, today. I like it. They like it. Yay. But I asked if it made me look a little big, because it's a puffy kind of top. My dad literally laughed and said no. Like full on cracked up. He probably thinks I'm crazy.
My dad openly says that I starve myself.
My sister was somewhat teasing me about how much I have been eating lately. It is waaay more than the average person. It is at the point that it is on the higher range of the binge scale. Everyday. I asked her how does she know this (she lives with her fiance). She said mum and dad were talking about it.
I confronted both of them. Separately. Mum tried to deny it as usual. Just got cranky and yelled "Fine! I won't f*cking talk to anyone about anything from now on!"
This is one of her frequently used phrases. Seriously, sometimes I think that she still has a teenage mind set and attitude.
My dad tried to deny it too. He acted like he didn't know what I was talking about. Then he just simply said "I just think it's a bit weird and random that you suddenly went from starving yourself, to wanting all of this food"
Also, my mum, sister, nanny and I were chatting, I think it was about weight or something, they're all obese, and my nanny was like, "gosh, you're not fat Kayla, I wish I was as skinny as you. You'll have to tell me your diet" Mum: Laughs. "No you don't." She then thinks how to word it without making me upset, or something like that. "She counts like, every last calories. It's alot of calorie counting.. and.. just. No you don't want her diet."
Me: "Whaaatt, it's not that bad!" Laughs.
I also took progress pictures yesterday. There isn't too much of a change. Just my tummy is more firm, as in sticking out firm, now, because of all of the food. It makes it look different.
Sunday, the day I went shopping with my friend, was the first time I have comfortably gone clothes shopping with someone that isn't either my mum or my sister. I wasn't ashamed of my size. She was even quite helpful. AND she even called me skinny. Me. The fat friend our entire lives. Skinny. Ha, boy did that make me feel good.
We both were criticizing our own bodies though, she was complaining about her busty chest (but she has a small frame. It is kind of disproportioned, but it's just her genetics) and I was complaining about my belly. And legs.
I definitely need to work on them.
I am pretty much going to eat whatever for the next week and a half. I am going to be so fat when I start he ABC diet.
At least I'll lose it though.
I am aiming to be at 50kg by the end of it. 55kg if my weight is super high by the time I start it.
I'm going to exercise while I am on it too, this time.
I am going to go hard out. I am super determined. My stomach is so fat right now. Ugh. More than usual.
I weighed in at 64.4kg this morning. Well, yesterday morning now. It's nearly 2:30am.
Weighing in now. I am over 66kg. It always goes down by the time I weigh in though. But still. I can't believe I've let myself go this much. But I just can't get in the right mind set. I don't know what it is. Ugh.
I am without a doubt going to be in the right mind set by the time I start the ABC diet again.
Once I get the ball rolling with ABC, I'll be fine.
Also, you know how I barely "went to the toilet" when I was on the ABC diet. Well, now a days, I am going like every day. If not more. It's fricken weird. It's not like I've been eating the most nutritious foods. At all.
I'll update again in a few days, I'll hopefully post some pictures of my from before the concert, in my outfit and what not :)
Don't give up on yourself.
-Kayla <3
I was going to start the ABC again yesterday, but I didn't because I went out with a friend to buy an outfit for a concert on Wednesday, and we got lunch. So I ate whatever I wanted the rest of the day pretty much.. I didn't eat before that though..
But then after that I was like, oh, I can't start it yet anyway, because it is my brothers and sister birthday next week, Monday and Wednesday, so there will be cake and take away for dinner ect.
So I am going to start the ABC diet on the 16th of March. I think I've said that in a different post. But oh well :)
Anyone want to join me? :D
I told my friend that I was still a vegetarian. She said "my mission for today is to make you eat meat!"
My response: "..no.. I don't want to eat meat.."
Her: "You're going to eat meat."
Me: "No I'm not."
Her: "Yes you arrrreee! Why not?"
Me: "I just don't want to. You can't force me. I just don't want to eat it."
Her: "Well, McDonald's doesn't even have real meat in it anyway, so you are going to eat a cheeseburger WITH the meat"
Me: "actually, McDonald's is 100% Beef and chicken"
Her: "yeah. Suuuureee it is."
Me: "It is. I'll seriously print out all of the proof and everything for you. I will go out of my way just to prove to you that it is"
Her: "Sure sure. You're going to eat it anyway"
Me: No I'm not. I'm going to go for at least a year. I'm not eating meat. I feel cleaner. I'll eat lunch with you. Just not the meat."
Her: "A YEAR!? Ha, no. You're definitely eating meat today!"
Me: "no thanks."
She wasn't saying it in a mean way. But it did feel like pressure. I wasn't going to give in of course. I don't have a weakness towards meat anymore.
Gosh, image her if I said I wasn't eating lunch at all. She always tries and pressures me into eating junk food when I am on a specific diet.
She's my longest and only friend. There isn't any hate towards her, she just has different ways of thinking about food is all.
I took my measurement yesterday, when I woke up.
Prepare for a shock.
All of my measurements were down, since the end of ABC. Except my weight and my waist.
My waist was a cm or two up, I think that is because my belly still had food in it. And my weight is up, well, because of this horrible food rampage I am on.
I won't post the actual numbers now, I'll retake them and post them when I start the ABC diet.
I put on the outfit I got for the concert I am going to on Wednesday, to show my mum and dad, today. I like it. They like it. Yay. But I asked if it made me look a little big, because it's a puffy kind of top. My dad literally laughed and said no. Like full on cracked up. He probably thinks I'm crazy.
My dad openly says that I starve myself.
My sister was somewhat teasing me about how much I have been eating lately. It is waaay more than the average person. It is at the point that it is on the higher range of the binge scale. Everyday. I asked her how does she know this (she lives with her fiance). She said mum and dad were talking about it.
I confronted both of them. Separately. Mum tried to deny it as usual. Just got cranky and yelled "Fine! I won't f*cking talk to anyone about anything from now on!"
This is one of her frequently used phrases. Seriously, sometimes I think that she still has a teenage mind set and attitude.
My dad tried to deny it too. He acted like he didn't know what I was talking about. Then he just simply said "I just think it's a bit weird and random that you suddenly went from starving yourself, to wanting all of this food"
Also, my mum, sister, nanny and I were chatting, I think it was about weight or something, they're all obese, and my nanny was like, "gosh, you're not fat Kayla, I wish I was as skinny as you. You'll have to tell me your diet" Mum: Laughs. "No you don't." She then thinks how to word it without making me upset, or something like that. "She counts like, every last calories. It's alot of calorie counting.. and.. just. No you don't want her diet."
Me: "Whaaatt, it's not that bad!" Laughs.
I also took progress pictures yesterday. There isn't too much of a change. Just my tummy is more firm, as in sticking out firm, now, because of all of the food. It makes it look different.
Sunday, the day I went shopping with my friend, was the first time I have comfortably gone clothes shopping with someone that isn't either my mum or my sister. I wasn't ashamed of my size. She was even quite helpful. AND she even called me skinny. Me. The fat friend our entire lives. Skinny. Ha, boy did that make me feel good.
We both were criticizing our own bodies though, she was complaining about her busty chest (but she has a small frame. It is kind of disproportioned, but it's just her genetics) and I was complaining about my belly. And legs.
I definitely need to work on them.
I am pretty much going to eat whatever for the next week and a half. I am going to be so fat when I start he ABC diet.
At least I'll lose it though.
I am aiming to be at 50kg by the end of it. 55kg if my weight is super high by the time I start it.
I'm going to exercise while I am on it too, this time.
I am going to go hard out. I am super determined. My stomach is so fat right now. Ugh. More than usual.
I weighed in at 64.4kg this morning. Well, yesterday morning now. It's nearly 2:30am.
Weighing in now. I am over 66kg. It always goes down by the time I weigh in though. But still. I can't believe I've let myself go this much. But I just can't get in the right mind set. I don't know what it is. Ugh.
I am without a doubt going to be in the right mind set by the time I start the ABC diet again.
Once I get the ball rolling with ABC, I'll be fine.
Also, you know how I barely "went to the toilet" when I was on the ABC diet. Well, now a days, I am going like every day. If not more. It's fricken weird. It's not like I've been eating the most nutritious foods. At all.
I'll update again in a few days, I'll hopefully post some pictures of my from before the concert, in my outfit and what not :)
Don't give up on yourself.
-Kayla <3
Saturday 3 March 2012
Failure one again. BUT BEST MOOD EVER!
I've had McDonald's for the past few days. Pathetic I know. Plus, then I'm like oh what the hell, I may as well eat everything in sight. -.-
Some days are worse than others.
Today I stayed back 2 hours after work, and started a little early, and it was busy non stop. So I burnt heaps of calories. :) Approximately 854 calories. :)
But, I still ate way more than I am proud of. Over 3000. Yeah. Shit.
Tomorrow, I am working 5 more hours than I was rostered for, in the dinner rush, so I should burn quite a lot of calories. I'm working 8 hours altogether :) But, I'll probably be eating McDonald's for my dinner on my break, and knowing me I'll probably eat it after work as well. (I work at McDonald's) Don't worry, I always get it without the meat. Still going strong with the vegetarianism. :) I'm normally not as tempted by the food there. Normally not at all really. But lately I've just been like what the hell.
I think the reason why I have been craving and eating everything in sight is because I am due for my period tomorrow. (Today now. I just looked at the clock. 1:30am already!)
A hot guy (tan, blue eyes!) asked me for my number tonight. I asked his age (22) and had to say no, I'm only 16. I told him my age and he was like "Bullshit!" He was full of complements though :) Wish the age gap wasn't so big. He was hot as. Haha ;P (no one (attractive) EVER asks me for my number or anything. It made me feel quite good about myself :))
A nice old gentleman also called me beautiful :)
And a like 12 year old tried to hit on me. It was awkward. In front of all of his mates too. It was quite amusing :P
It's a nice confidence booster though. :)
Tonight, I noticed that my confidence at work has grown SOOOO much! I wonder if it is like that outside of work. I don't know to be honest. I never go out.. ha.
I am in such a great mood right now. Just by reminiscing on my night!
So yeah, overall, my day was bad food wise, good emotionally, confidence wise, mood wise and socially. I'm not even bothered by how much I ate though. I feel great from all of the exercise I did tonight :) I also think the music I am listening to has something to do with it to :P
Tomorrow, I'm waking up and exercising. I'm not going to allow myself to eat ANYTHING until I do. Even if it is ridiculously hot again.
I want to burn at LEAST 500 including work. It all depends on what station I am on at work as to how many calories I burn. And how busy it is.
Feeling really good about tomorrow! :D Omg I love this mood I am in! Ahhhh! :D
This post turned form glum to amazingly bright and happy! haha :D
I love you all! :D
Make tomorrow better than today. Everyday.
-Kayla <3
Some days are worse than others.
Today I stayed back 2 hours after work, and started a little early, and it was busy non stop. So I burnt heaps of calories. :) Approximately 854 calories. :)
But, I still ate way more than I am proud of. Over 3000. Yeah. Shit.
Tomorrow, I am working 5 more hours than I was rostered for, in the dinner rush, so I should burn quite a lot of calories. I'm working 8 hours altogether :) But, I'll probably be eating McDonald's for my dinner on my break, and knowing me I'll probably eat it after work as well. (I work at McDonald's) Don't worry, I always get it without the meat. Still going strong with the vegetarianism. :) I'm normally not as tempted by the food there. Normally not at all really. But lately I've just been like what the hell.
I think the reason why I have been craving and eating everything in sight is because I am due for my period tomorrow. (Today now. I just looked at the clock. 1:30am already!)
A hot guy (tan, blue eyes!) asked me for my number tonight. I asked his age (22) and had to say no, I'm only 16. I told him my age and he was like "Bullshit!" He was full of complements though :) Wish the age gap wasn't so big. He was hot as. Haha ;P (no one (attractive) EVER asks me for my number or anything. It made me feel quite good about myself :))
A nice old gentleman also called me beautiful :)
And a like 12 year old tried to hit on me. It was awkward. In front of all of his mates too. It was quite amusing :P
It's a nice confidence booster though. :)
Tonight, I noticed that my confidence at work has grown SOOOO much! I wonder if it is like that outside of work. I don't know to be honest. I never go out.. ha.
I am in such a great mood right now. Just by reminiscing on my night!
So yeah, overall, my day was bad food wise, good emotionally, confidence wise, mood wise and socially. I'm not even bothered by how much I ate though. I feel great from all of the exercise I did tonight :) I also think the music I am listening to has something to do with it to :P
Tomorrow, I'm waking up and exercising. I'm not going to allow myself to eat ANYTHING until I do. Even if it is ridiculously hot again.
I want to burn at LEAST 500 including work. It all depends on what station I am on at work as to how many calories I burn. And how busy it is.
Feeling really good about tomorrow! :D Omg I love this mood I am in! Ahhhh! :D
This post turned form glum to amazingly bright and happy! haha :D
I love you all! :D
Make tomorrow better than today. Everyday.
-Kayla <3
Thursday 1 March 2012
Wtf is wrong with me?!
I made it through day one of my water fast. And half of day 2. Then I was like f*ck it. I'm eating. I don't know why. I really don't.
My weight is becoming an issue. I've gained so much. I can't believe I got up to 64kg again. Although I did weigh in at 62.1kg this morning. But that is still way too much.
I need to get out of this binge fast cycle.
Going to try just restricting for a few days. I'm only allowing 350 cals tomorrow. But my absolute maximum is 800. Plus I'm working for 7 hours and I plan to work out after work.
I've decided that I'm starting the ABC diet on the 1st of April. I would start it tomorrow, the 1st of March; but March is just a super busy month. I have a concert in a week, then my brothers and sisters birthday in the middle of March.
I just have to be strong through Easter. On the 8th of April. I will though.
I want to be at my UGW by my birthday. Which is a few days after I will finish the ABC diet :)
I plan on water fasting with a few days of liquid fasting if I need them for like 16 days. Between the 16th and the 31st of March. If I can.. Maybe a few food days in there? I'm not entirely sure yet.
In the meantime, I'm just going to try and be as non-bingey as I can. Exercise everyday, even if it is just a little. At least it will be something. And to be more social! :) I have to step out of my comfort zone sooner or later. Or I'll never be able to live my life.
I didn't exercise today. I was beyond tired. Excuses excuses.
I am going to be so tired in the morning, I have to get up at 5am for work and it's past 12:30am already. Yay -.-
So, I better try and sleep.
Don't give up trying.
-Kayla <3
My weight is becoming an issue. I've gained so much. I can't believe I got up to 64kg again. Although I did weigh in at 62.1kg this morning. But that is still way too much.
I need to get out of this binge fast cycle.
Going to try just restricting for a few days. I'm only allowing 350 cals tomorrow. But my absolute maximum is 800. Plus I'm working for 7 hours and I plan to work out after work.
I've decided that I'm starting the ABC diet on the 1st of April. I would start it tomorrow, the 1st of March; but March is just a super busy month. I have a concert in a week, then my brothers and sisters birthday in the middle of March.
I just have to be strong through Easter. On the 8th of April. I will though.
I want to be at my UGW by my birthday. Which is a few days after I will finish the ABC diet :)
I plan on water fasting with a few days of liquid fasting if I need them for like 16 days. Between the 16th and the 31st of March. If I can.. Maybe a few food days in there? I'm not entirely sure yet.
In the meantime, I'm just going to try and be as non-bingey as I can. Exercise everyday, even if it is just a little. At least it will be something. And to be more social! :) I have to step out of my comfort zone sooner or later. Or I'll never be able to live my life.
I didn't exercise today. I was beyond tired. Excuses excuses.
I am going to be so tired in the morning, I have to get up at 5am for work and it's past 12:30am already. Yay -.-
So, I better try and sleep.
Don't give up trying.
-Kayla <3
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)