After I posted that huge rant of a post the other day; I had a nap. It calmed me down. Which is nice. But that meant that I didn't have that fight and anger in me still, to follow out the plan.
So, I'm still not back on track.
I've decided I'm not aloud to write another blog after this until I have at least one good day.
I am so over this shit. I am over my failure.
I've gained a ridiculous amount of weight. I don't even want to post what I weighed in at this morning :\ .. I'll post my weight when I'm back on track. So then I'll be losing it so I won't be so ashamed. I just can't right now.
None of my clothes fit again. Or they fit grossly. I'm full on fat again.
Wish me luck, in this endless battle.
-Kayla <3
Tuesday, 20 March 2012
Sunday, 18 March 2012
I just want an apology
So. I have obviously been doing horribly. Obvious because the lack of posts.
But today came the motivation that I needed.
My dad went skits at me for no reason. I was just going to the kitchen for a snack (I think I may have B.E.D.) and he started having a go at me.
He told me to fuck off. He was getting really worked up. I just stared him down for a few seconds and came into my bedroom. He has a history of hitting me. So I'm not taking my chances with him.
But anyway. I've come to the conclusion that everyone is more peaceful when I'm starving. So that is what I shall do. Starve.
I am going to continue starving, plus acting as if he doesn't exist; until he apologizes to me.
So, I'm not eating for the rest of the day. Then tomorrow I'll be starting the ABC diet. But I don't have to meet the calorie limit everyday. Just as long as I don't go over. :)
So, before work tomorrow, I'll have a 59 calories yogurt, then a 37 cal fruit bag after work. But not letting them see me eat.
So the aim of this game is to make them think I am eating nothing. Or little to nothing. They will not have the privileged of seeing the little amount of calories that I do consume. Like I will be. But I am going to make my parents, especially my dad, suffer with worry and guilt.
I just want to scream. I need to get away from here. I'm too fat for any of my clothes though.
Get ready for daily blogs of ABC again! :)
Make them worry.
-Kayla <3
But today came the motivation that I needed.
My dad went skits at me for no reason. I was just going to the kitchen for a snack (I think I may have B.E.D.) and he started having a go at me.
He told me to fuck off. He was getting really worked up. I just stared him down for a few seconds and came into my bedroom. He has a history of hitting me. So I'm not taking my chances with him.
But anyway. I've come to the conclusion that everyone is more peaceful when I'm starving. So that is what I shall do. Starve.
I am going to continue starving, plus acting as if he doesn't exist; until he apologizes to me.
So, I'm not eating for the rest of the day. Then tomorrow I'll be starting the ABC diet. But I don't have to meet the calorie limit everyday. Just as long as I don't go over. :)
So, before work tomorrow, I'll have a 59 calories yogurt, then a 37 cal fruit bag after work. But not letting them see me eat.
So the aim of this game is to make them think I am eating nothing. Or little to nothing. They will not have the privileged of seeing the little amount of calories that I do consume. Like I will be. But I am going to make my parents, especially my dad, suffer with worry and guilt.
I just want to scream. I need to get away from here. I'm too fat for any of my clothes though.
Get ready for daily blogs of ABC again! :)
Make them worry.
-Kayla <3
Tuesday, 6 March 2012
My quick updates always turn into super long posts
You can always tell when I'm not doing well. I don't post as much.
I was going to start the ABC again yesterday, but I didn't because I went out with a friend to buy an outfit for a concert on Wednesday, and we got lunch. So I ate whatever I wanted the rest of the day pretty much.. I didn't eat before that though..
But then after that I was like, oh, I can't start it yet anyway, because it is my brothers and sister birthday next week, Monday and Wednesday, so there will be cake and take away for dinner ect.
So I am going to start the ABC diet on the 16th of March. I think I've said that in a different post. But oh well :)
Anyone want to join me? :D
I told my friend that I was still a vegetarian. She said "my mission for today is to make you eat meat!"
My response: "..no.. I don't want to eat meat.."
Her: "You're going to eat meat."
Me: "No I'm not."
Her: "Yes you arrrreee! Why not?"
Me: "I just don't want to. You can't force me. I just don't want to eat it."
Her: "Well, McDonald's doesn't even have real meat in it anyway, so you are going to eat a cheeseburger WITH the meat"
Me: "actually, McDonald's is 100% Beef and chicken"
Her: "yeah. Suuuureee it is."
Me: "It is. I'll seriously print out all of the proof and everything for you. I will go out of my way just to prove to you that it is"
Her: "Sure sure. You're going to eat it anyway"
Me: No I'm not. I'm going to go for at least a year. I'm not eating meat. I feel cleaner. I'll eat lunch with you. Just not the meat."
Her: "A YEAR!? Ha, no. You're definitely eating meat today!"
Me: "no thanks."
She wasn't saying it in a mean way. But it did feel like pressure. I wasn't going to give in of course. I don't have a weakness towards meat anymore.
Gosh, image her if I said I wasn't eating lunch at all. She always tries and pressures me into eating junk food when I am on a specific diet.
She's my longest and only friend. There isn't any hate towards her, she just has different ways of thinking about food is all.
I took my measurement yesterday, when I woke up.
Prepare for a shock.
All of my measurements were down, since the end of ABC. Except my weight and my waist.
My waist was a cm or two up, I think that is because my belly still had food in it. And my weight is up, well, because of this horrible food rampage I am on.
I won't post the actual numbers now, I'll retake them and post them when I start the ABC diet.
I put on the outfit I got for the concert I am going to on Wednesday, to show my mum and dad, today. I like it. They like it. Yay. But I asked if it made me look a little big, because it's a puffy kind of top. My dad literally laughed and said no. Like full on cracked up. He probably thinks I'm crazy.
My dad openly says that I starve myself.
My sister was somewhat teasing me about how much I have been eating lately. It is waaay more than the average person. It is at the point that it is on the higher range of the binge scale. Everyday. I asked her how does she know this (she lives with her fiance). She said mum and dad were talking about it.
I confronted both of them. Separately. Mum tried to deny it as usual. Just got cranky and yelled "Fine! I won't f*cking talk to anyone about anything from now on!"
This is one of her frequently used phrases. Seriously, sometimes I think that she still has a teenage mind set and attitude.
My dad tried to deny it too. He acted like he didn't know what I was talking about. Then he just simply said "I just think it's a bit weird and random that you suddenly went from starving yourself, to wanting all of this food"
Also, my mum, sister, nanny and I were chatting, I think it was about weight or something, they're all obese, and my nanny was like, "gosh, you're not fat Kayla, I wish I was as skinny as you. You'll have to tell me your diet" Mum: Laughs. "No you don't." She then thinks how to word it without making me upset, or something like that. "She counts like, every last calories. It's alot of calorie counting.. and.. just. No you don't want her diet."
Me: "Whaaatt, it's not that bad!" Laughs.
I also took progress pictures yesterday. There isn't too much of a change. Just my tummy is more firm, as in sticking out firm, now, because of all of the food. It makes it look different.
Sunday, the day I went shopping with my friend, was the first time I have comfortably gone clothes shopping with someone that isn't either my mum or my sister. I wasn't ashamed of my size. She was even quite helpful. AND she even called me skinny. Me. The fat friend our entire lives. Skinny. Ha, boy did that make me feel good.
We both were criticizing our own bodies though, she was complaining about her busty chest (but she has a small frame. It is kind of disproportioned, but it's just her genetics) and I was complaining about my belly. And legs.
I definitely need to work on them.
I am pretty much going to eat whatever for the next week and a half. I am going to be so fat when I start he ABC diet.
At least I'll lose it though.
I am aiming to be at 50kg by the end of it. 55kg if my weight is super high by the time I start it.
I'm going to exercise while I am on it too, this time.
I am going to go hard out. I am super determined. My stomach is so fat right now. Ugh. More than usual.
I weighed in at 64.4kg this morning. Well, yesterday morning now. It's nearly 2:30am.
Weighing in now. I am over 66kg. It always goes down by the time I weigh in though. But still. I can't believe I've let myself go this much. But I just can't get in the right mind set. I don't know what it is. Ugh.
I am without a doubt going to be in the right mind set by the time I start the ABC diet again.
Once I get the ball rolling with ABC, I'll be fine.
Also, you know how I barely "went to the toilet" when I was on the ABC diet. Well, now a days, I am going like every day. If not more. It's fricken weird. It's not like I've been eating the most nutritious foods. At all.
I'll update again in a few days, I'll hopefully post some pictures of my from before the concert, in my outfit and what not :)
Don't give up on yourself.
-Kayla <3
I was going to start the ABC again yesterday, but I didn't because I went out with a friend to buy an outfit for a concert on Wednesday, and we got lunch. So I ate whatever I wanted the rest of the day pretty much.. I didn't eat before that though..
But then after that I was like, oh, I can't start it yet anyway, because it is my brothers and sister birthday next week, Monday and Wednesday, so there will be cake and take away for dinner ect.
So I am going to start the ABC diet on the 16th of March. I think I've said that in a different post. But oh well :)
Anyone want to join me? :D
I told my friend that I was still a vegetarian. She said "my mission for today is to make you eat meat!"
My response: "..no.. I don't want to eat meat.."
Her: "You're going to eat meat."
Me: "No I'm not."
Her: "Yes you arrrreee! Why not?"
Me: "I just don't want to. You can't force me. I just don't want to eat it."
Her: "Well, McDonald's doesn't even have real meat in it anyway, so you are going to eat a cheeseburger WITH the meat"
Me: "actually, McDonald's is 100% Beef and chicken"
Her: "yeah. Suuuureee it is."
Me: "It is. I'll seriously print out all of the proof and everything for you. I will go out of my way just to prove to you that it is"
Her: "Sure sure. You're going to eat it anyway"
Me: No I'm not. I'm going to go for at least a year. I'm not eating meat. I feel cleaner. I'll eat lunch with you. Just not the meat."
Her: "A YEAR!? Ha, no. You're definitely eating meat today!"
Me: "no thanks."
She wasn't saying it in a mean way. But it did feel like pressure. I wasn't going to give in of course. I don't have a weakness towards meat anymore.
Gosh, image her if I said I wasn't eating lunch at all. She always tries and pressures me into eating junk food when I am on a specific diet.
She's my longest and only friend. There isn't any hate towards her, she just has different ways of thinking about food is all.
I took my measurement yesterday, when I woke up.
Prepare for a shock.
All of my measurements were down, since the end of ABC. Except my weight and my waist.
My waist was a cm or two up, I think that is because my belly still had food in it. And my weight is up, well, because of this horrible food rampage I am on.
I won't post the actual numbers now, I'll retake them and post them when I start the ABC diet.
I put on the outfit I got for the concert I am going to on Wednesday, to show my mum and dad, today. I like it. They like it. Yay. But I asked if it made me look a little big, because it's a puffy kind of top. My dad literally laughed and said no. Like full on cracked up. He probably thinks I'm crazy.
My dad openly says that I starve myself.
My sister was somewhat teasing me about how much I have been eating lately. It is waaay more than the average person. It is at the point that it is on the higher range of the binge scale. Everyday. I asked her how does she know this (she lives with her fiance). She said mum and dad were talking about it.
I confronted both of them. Separately. Mum tried to deny it as usual. Just got cranky and yelled "Fine! I won't f*cking talk to anyone about anything from now on!"
This is one of her frequently used phrases. Seriously, sometimes I think that she still has a teenage mind set and attitude.
My dad tried to deny it too. He acted like he didn't know what I was talking about. Then he just simply said "I just think it's a bit weird and random that you suddenly went from starving yourself, to wanting all of this food"
Also, my mum, sister, nanny and I were chatting, I think it was about weight or something, they're all obese, and my nanny was like, "gosh, you're not fat Kayla, I wish I was as skinny as you. You'll have to tell me your diet" Mum: Laughs. "No you don't." She then thinks how to word it without making me upset, or something like that. "She counts like, every last calories. It's alot of calorie counting.. and.. just. No you don't want her diet."
Me: "Whaaatt, it's not that bad!" Laughs.
I also took progress pictures yesterday. There isn't too much of a change. Just my tummy is more firm, as in sticking out firm, now, because of all of the food. It makes it look different.
Sunday, the day I went shopping with my friend, was the first time I have comfortably gone clothes shopping with someone that isn't either my mum or my sister. I wasn't ashamed of my size. She was even quite helpful. AND she even called me skinny. Me. The fat friend our entire lives. Skinny. Ha, boy did that make me feel good.
We both were criticizing our own bodies though, she was complaining about her busty chest (but she has a small frame. It is kind of disproportioned, but it's just her genetics) and I was complaining about my belly. And legs.
I definitely need to work on them.
I am pretty much going to eat whatever for the next week and a half. I am going to be so fat when I start he ABC diet.
At least I'll lose it though.
I am aiming to be at 50kg by the end of it. 55kg if my weight is super high by the time I start it.
I'm going to exercise while I am on it too, this time.
I am going to go hard out. I am super determined. My stomach is so fat right now. Ugh. More than usual.
I weighed in at 64.4kg this morning. Well, yesterday morning now. It's nearly 2:30am.
Weighing in now. I am over 66kg. It always goes down by the time I weigh in though. But still. I can't believe I've let myself go this much. But I just can't get in the right mind set. I don't know what it is. Ugh.
I am without a doubt going to be in the right mind set by the time I start the ABC diet again.
Once I get the ball rolling with ABC, I'll be fine.
Also, you know how I barely "went to the toilet" when I was on the ABC diet. Well, now a days, I am going like every day. If not more. It's fricken weird. It's not like I've been eating the most nutritious foods. At all.
I'll update again in a few days, I'll hopefully post some pictures of my from before the concert, in my outfit and what not :)
Don't give up on yourself.
-Kayla <3
Saturday, 3 March 2012
Failure one again. BUT BEST MOOD EVER!
I've had McDonald's for the past few days. Pathetic I know. Plus, then I'm like oh what the hell, I may as well eat everything in sight. -.-
Some days are worse than others.
Today I stayed back 2 hours after work, and started a little early, and it was busy non stop. So I burnt heaps of calories. :) Approximately 854 calories. :)
But, I still ate way more than I am proud of. Over 3000. Yeah. Shit.
Tomorrow, I am working 5 more hours than I was rostered for, in the dinner rush, so I should burn quite a lot of calories. I'm working 8 hours altogether :) But, I'll probably be eating McDonald's for my dinner on my break, and knowing me I'll probably eat it after work as well. (I work at McDonald's) Don't worry, I always get it without the meat. Still going strong with the vegetarianism. :) I'm normally not as tempted by the food there. Normally not at all really. But lately I've just been like what the hell.
I think the reason why I have been craving and eating everything in sight is because I am due for my period tomorrow. (Today now. I just looked at the clock. 1:30am already!)
A hot guy (tan, blue eyes!) asked me for my number tonight. I asked his age (22) and had to say no, I'm only 16. I told him my age and he was like "Bullshit!" He was full of complements though :) Wish the age gap wasn't so big. He was hot as. Haha ;P (no one (attractive) EVER asks me for my number or anything. It made me feel quite good about myself :))
A nice old gentleman also called me beautiful :)
And a like 12 year old tried to hit on me. It was awkward. In front of all of his mates too. It was quite amusing :P
It's a nice confidence booster though. :)
Tonight, I noticed that my confidence at work has grown SOOOO much! I wonder if it is like that outside of work. I don't know to be honest. I never go out.. ha.
I am in such a great mood right now. Just by reminiscing on my night!
So yeah, overall, my day was bad food wise, good emotionally, confidence wise, mood wise and socially. I'm not even bothered by how much I ate though. I feel great from all of the exercise I did tonight :) I also think the music I am listening to has something to do with it to :P
Tomorrow, I'm waking up and exercising. I'm not going to allow myself to eat ANYTHING until I do. Even if it is ridiculously hot again.
I want to burn at LEAST 500 including work. It all depends on what station I am on at work as to how many calories I burn. And how busy it is.
Feeling really good about tomorrow! :D Omg I love this mood I am in! Ahhhh! :D
This post turned form glum to amazingly bright and happy! haha :D
I love you all! :D
Make tomorrow better than today. Everyday.
-Kayla <3
Some days are worse than others.
Today I stayed back 2 hours after work, and started a little early, and it was busy non stop. So I burnt heaps of calories. :) Approximately 854 calories. :)
But, I still ate way more than I am proud of. Over 3000. Yeah. Shit.
Tomorrow, I am working 5 more hours than I was rostered for, in the dinner rush, so I should burn quite a lot of calories. I'm working 8 hours altogether :) But, I'll probably be eating McDonald's for my dinner on my break, and knowing me I'll probably eat it after work as well. (I work at McDonald's) Don't worry, I always get it without the meat. Still going strong with the vegetarianism. :) I'm normally not as tempted by the food there. Normally not at all really. But lately I've just been like what the hell.
I think the reason why I have been craving and eating everything in sight is because I am due for my period tomorrow. (Today now. I just looked at the clock. 1:30am already!)
A hot guy (tan, blue eyes!) asked me for my number tonight. I asked his age (22) and had to say no, I'm only 16. I told him my age and he was like "Bullshit!" He was full of complements though :) Wish the age gap wasn't so big. He was hot as. Haha ;P (no one (attractive) EVER asks me for my number or anything. It made me feel quite good about myself :))
A nice old gentleman also called me beautiful :)
And a like 12 year old tried to hit on me. It was awkward. In front of all of his mates too. It was quite amusing :P
It's a nice confidence booster though. :)
Tonight, I noticed that my confidence at work has grown SOOOO much! I wonder if it is like that outside of work. I don't know to be honest. I never go out.. ha.
I am in such a great mood right now. Just by reminiscing on my night!
So yeah, overall, my day was bad food wise, good emotionally, confidence wise, mood wise and socially. I'm not even bothered by how much I ate though. I feel great from all of the exercise I did tonight :) I also think the music I am listening to has something to do with it to :P
Tomorrow, I'm waking up and exercising. I'm not going to allow myself to eat ANYTHING until I do. Even if it is ridiculously hot again.
I want to burn at LEAST 500 including work. It all depends on what station I am on at work as to how many calories I burn. And how busy it is.
Feeling really good about tomorrow! :D Omg I love this mood I am in! Ahhhh! :D
This post turned form glum to amazingly bright and happy! haha :D
I love you all! :D
Make tomorrow better than today. Everyday.
-Kayla <3
Thursday, 1 March 2012
Wtf is wrong with me?!
I made it through day one of my water fast. And half of day 2. Then I was like f*ck it. I'm eating. I don't know why. I really don't.
My weight is becoming an issue. I've gained so much. I can't believe I got up to 64kg again. Although I did weigh in at 62.1kg this morning. But that is still way too much.
I need to get out of this binge fast cycle.
Going to try just restricting for a few days. I'm only allowing 350 cals tomorrow. But my absolute maximum is 800. Plus I'm working for 7 hours and I plan to work out after work.
I've decided that I'm starting the ABC diet on the 1st of April. I would start it tomorrow, the 1st of March; but March is just a super busy month. I have a concert in a week, then my brothers and sisters birthday in the middle of March.
I just have to be strong through Easter. On the 8th of April. I will though.
I want to be at my UGW by my birthday. Which is a few days after I will finish the ABC diet :)
I plan on water fasting with a few days of liquid fasting if I need them for like 16 days. Between the 16th and the 31st of March. If I can.. Maybe a few food days in there? I'm not entirely sure yet.
In the meantime, I'm just going to try and be as non-bingey as I can. Exercise everyday, even if it is just a little. At least it will be something. And to be more social! :) I have to step out of my comfort zone sooner or later. Or I'll never be able to live my life.
I didn't exercise today. I was beyond tired. Excuses excuses.
I am going to be so tired in the morning, I have to get up at 5am for work and it's past 12:30am already. Yay -.-
So, I better try and sleep.
Don't give up trying.
-Kayla <3
My weight is becoming an issue. I've gained so much. I can't believe I got up to 64kg again. Although I did weigh in at 62.1kg this morning. But that is still way too much.
I need to get out of this binge fast cycle.
Going to try just restricting for a few days. I'm only allowing 350 cals tomorrow. But my absolute maximum is 800. Plus I'm working for 7 hours and I plan to work out after work.
I've decided that I'm starting the ABC diet on the 1st of April. I would start it tomorrow, the 1st of March; but March is just a super busy month. I have a concert in a week, then my brothers and sisters birthday in the middle of March.
I just have to be strong through Easter. On the 8th of April. I will though.
I want to be at my UGW by my birthday. Which is a few days after I will finish the ABC diet :)
I plan on water fasting with a few days of liquid fasting if I need them for like 16 days. Between the 16th and the 31st of March. If I can.. Maybe a few food days in there? I'm not entirely sure yet.
In the meantime, I'm just going to try and be as non-bingey as I can. Exercise everyday, even if it is just a little. At least it will be something. And to be more social! :) I have to step out of my comfort zone sooner or later. Or I'll never be able to live my life.
I didn't exercise today. I was beyond tired. Excuses excuses.
I am going to be so tired in the morning, I have to get up at 5am for work and it's past 12:30am already. Yay -.-
So, I better try and sleep.
Don't give up trying.
-Kayla <3
Tuesday, 28 February 2012
Fixing what I broke.
Today I woke up early to go for a jog. I chickened out though. I tell myself that I'll try agan tomorrow. But I don't think I will..
Don't worry, I did run on my treadmill though. I then did my weights/toning exercises. :) I then worked 4.5 hours tonight :)
Tomorrow I plan on exercising in the morning, then going for a reeaaaalllyyyy long walk somewhere. Not sure where to though.
I just want tomorrow to be productive.
I am water fasting again. :)
I had two binge days again. So I have to fix it.
Fasting until further notice. Hopefully I can make it through a 6.5 shift at work on Thursday, without food... Going to be super disappointed if I give in before or even then.
At the moment I am planning out my meals, or lack there of, for next week. And a little of the end of this week. The sad thing is, i want to have binge days. Then fast it off.
I am going to a concert next Wednesday. So I plan to eat two days before it and on the day. Not huge amounts. Like 100-300 cals.
I'm not feeling the affects of this water fast yet. Hoping it stays that way. But my brain is wanting food though. Just for the sake of eating. Disgusting.
Im fasting with a group of lovely people :) its great motivation. :) you can join too if you like. Just at #antifood when you tweet about fasting :)
I weighed in at 64kg (141.09 lb) thus morning.. I think it was because I had eaten right before bed and I only slept for about 4 hours.
I weighed myself tonight and I am 62.5kg (137.78 lb) so thank goodness for that. :)
Can't wait to be at my LW again, lower would be lovely. Hoping to reach that easy enough goal by the end of this fast. Definitely doable. Definitely.
Feeling a little sick at the moment. I think it's because I'm so tired. I should sleep soon.
Do whatever it takes.
-Kayla <3
Don't worry, I did run on my treadmill though. I then did my weights/toning exercises. :) I then worked 4.5 hours tonight :)
Tomorrow I plan on exercising in the morning, then going for a reeaaaalllyyyy long walk somewhere. Not sure where to though.
I just want tomorrow to be productive.
I am water fasting again. :)
I had two binge days again. So I have to fix it.
Fasting until further notice. Hopefully I can make it through a 6.5 shift at work on Thursday, without food... Going to be super disappointed if I give in before or even then.
At the moment I am planning out my meals, or lack there of, for next week. And a little of the end of this week. The sad thing is, i want to have binge days. Then fast it off.
I am going to a concert next Wednesday. So I plan to eat two days before it and on the day. Not huge amounts. Like 100-300 cals.
I'm not feeling the affects of this water fast yet. Hoping it stays that way. But my brain is wanting food though. Just for the sake of eating. Disgusting.
Im fasting with a group of lovely people :) its great motivation. :) you can join too if you like. Just at #antifood when you tweet about fasting :)
I weighed in at 64kg (141.09 lb) thus morning.. I think it was because I had eaten right before bed and I only slept for about 4 hours.
I weighed myself tonight and I am 62.5kg (137.78 lb) so thank goodness for that. :)
Can't wait to be at my LW again, lower would be lovely. Hoping to reach that easy enough goal by the end of this fast. Definitely doable. Definitely.
Feeling a little sick at the moment. I think it's because I'm so tired. I should sleep soon.
Do whatever it takes.
-Kayla <3
Sunday, 26 February 2012
Fasting update
I have no been water fasting for about 59 hours. I don't think I am even hungry. I am thirsty though. I just woke up so I haven't had any water yet.
It's all in the mind.
Yesterday I wanted to eat SO bad. My mind did, but I talked myself out of it. Because my body didn't really NEED it.
I even got to the point in telling myself that if I jogged on my treadmill then I could eat the calories I burnt. I did it too. But I had talked we essence into myself by the time I had also done crunches and showered ect.
But doing that, I also made a pact with my mind, that if I was under 60kg tomorrow morning (today now) I would allow myself to eat. (I knew it would probably turn into a binge day, but I'm ok with that. Liquid fasting for 4 days after)
Guess what. I'm under 60kg. I didn't think I would be to be honest. I was 61.3kg yesterday so I was like pshh there's no way in the world I'll lose a big number again. But I did. I am now down to 59.3kg. That's my lowest weight yet. It doesn't feel like it though. I don't feel like my body feels the same as when I reached my LW on ABC.
Maybe it's because I know as soon as I eat I'll gain.
So. I am conflicted.
Do I eat and break my fast at 60 hours. Resulting in a binge day, but making up for it with a 4 day liquid fast.
Or do I continue water fasting one more day and only eat a yogurt and an apple a day for 4 days.
My mind just really wants food. Judnckndinc
I guess if I ate today then I could get it out of my system.. But then there's the chance that I'll still want more of it in the days after..
Sorry. I'm just thinking out loud here.
I think I'll eat today. ONLY if I do my toning exercises right now and also be really good this week. The second one is harder to keep, it's in the future after all. But as long as I have it in my head that I'm not aloud to mess up, then I'll do it.
Going to start jogging in the mornings, starting tomorrow. I feel like it will be much easier then jogging on a treadmill.
Yesterday, when I was in my new workout clothes (a fitted sports top thing) he said I have a very flat stomach. I then proceeded to point out that is in fact not flat, as it sticks out at the bottom.
He said that that is just loose skin from loosing so much weight and that it will snap back in no time. I disagreed. It is fat. You can all see that from my before and after ABC pictures.
He told me to look in the mirror. I said I do look n the mirror? He then took me in front of a mirror and showed me my 'flat stomach'. I continued to point out the unflatness of it. My mother was in the room and I asked "do you see it? You see it hey?" she said she does see what I mean. That kind of hurt me but motivated me at the same time.
I think my dad felt a little annoyed at my mum because I think he suspects I have an ED. and you don't say that to someone who has an ED. He is always trying to convince me that I'm thin.
Sorry for the beyond long post.
I'm putting off eating, I think :P
I'm not going to eat until the 60 hour mark.
I need to start remembering to take my multivitimans in the morning.
Starting weight of water fast: 63.0kg (138.89 lb)
Water fast weightloss: 3.7kg (8.15 lb)
Current weight: 59.3kg (130.73 lb)
Duration: 60 hours.
It's all I'm your mind. Be strong.
-Kayla <3
It's all in the mind.
Yesterday I wanted to eat SO bad. My mind did, but I talked myself out of it. Because my body didn't really NEED it.
I even got to the point in telling myself that if I jogged on my treadmill then I could eat the calories I burnt. I did it too. But I had talked we essence into myself by the time I had also done crunches and showered ect.
But doing that, I also made a pact with my mind, that if I was under 60kg tomorrow morning (today now) I would allow myself to eat. (I knew it would probably turn into a binge day, but I'm ok with that. Liquid fasting for 4 days after)
Guess what. I'm under 60kg. I didn't think I would be to be honest. I was 61.3kg yesterday so I was like pshh there's no way in the world I'll lose a big number again. But I did. I am now down to 59.3kg. That's my lowest weight yet. It doesn't feel like it though. I don't feel like my body feels the same as when I reached my LW on ABC.
Maybe it's because I know as soon as I eat I'll gain.
So. I am conflicted.
Do I eat and break my fast at 60 hours. Resulting in a binge day, but making up for it with a 4 day liquid fast.
Or do I continue water fasting one more day and only eat a yogurt and an apple a day for 4 days.
My mind just really wants food. Judnckndinc
I guess if I ate today then I could get it out of my system.. But then there's the chance that I'll still want more of it in the days after..
Sorry. I'm just thinking out loud here.
I think I'll eat today. ONLY if I do my toning exercises right now and also be really good this week. The second one is harder to keep, it's in the future after all. But as long as I have it in my head that I'm not aloud to mess up, then I'll do it.
Going to start jogging in the mornings, starting tomorrow. I feel like it will be much easier then jogging on a treadmill.
Yesterday, when I was in my new workout clothes (a fitted sports top thing) he said I have a very flat stomach. I then proceeded to point out that is in fact not flat, as it sticks out at the bottom.
He said that that is just loose skin from loosing so much weight and that it will snap back in no time. I disagreed. It is fat. You can all see that from my before and after ABC pictures.
He told me to look in the mirror. I said I do look n the mirror? He then took me in front of a mirror and showed me my 'flat stomach'. I continued to point out the unflatness of it. My mother was in the room and I asked "do you see it? You see it hey?" she said she does see what I mean. That kind of hurt me but motivated me at the same time.
I think my dad felt a little annoyed at my mum because I think he suspects I have an ED. and you don't say that to someone who has an ED. He is always trying to convince me that I'm thin.
Sorry for the beyond long post.
I'm putting off eating, I think :P
I'm not going to eat until the 60 hour mark.
I need to start remembering to take my multivitimans in the morning.
Starting weight of water fast: 63.0kg (138.89 lb)
Water fast weightloss: 3.7kg (8.15 lb)
Current weight: 59.3kg (130.73 lb)
Duration: 60 hours.
It's all I'm your mind. Be strong.
-Kayla <3
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