First time purging. Kind of.

Yesterday and the day before I ate a lot. But it was pretty much all fruit and veggies. I even lost weight.
Today I ate a lot. It was pretty much not fruit and veggies.
I was boredom eating pretty much. All day.

My body couldn't take it anymore once I had finished my second helping of dinner. I ate every bite. While my body was screaming at me to stop. I just didn't. My mind was saying 'just one fat day and then you can back to restricting. It'll boost your metabolism'
It fricking better boost it. That mind of thinking made me scoff down everything and anything. Because 'I'll make up for it. So why not'

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid!

I went to sit on the couch and watch tv when I had finished dinner. Like the fat pig I am, and I just stood there for a few seconds. I seriously thought I was going to throw up all over the floor. I decided I needed some privacy. In case I did throw up everywhere. So I took a shower. So my family wouldn't suspect anything.
I was in a world of discomfort. I couldn't stand up straight because I was so stuffed. I decided I needed to try and purge. Even though I had tried plenty of times in the past and had been unsuccessful.
It only took me about two trys and I got a significant amount up in one gag. I then could only get little bits up after that. Dinner consisted of rice with sauce. Rice. Omfg. One of the hardest foods to get up, for even the most experienced of purgers. I started to panick and had a bit of a breakdown. During this breakdown I decided I needed to get clean again. I decided that I'm only drinking tea with a tiny bit of skim milk in it for the next three days.
I didn't get up even a quarter of dinner. But I did get up some. And you know what. I'm proud of myself for doing that. I just wish I had some lax.. But I have work early tomorrow, so that'd be a mistake.
I am still in discomfort. I am curled up in a ball in bed. I still can't stand up straight comfortably.
I do believe my throat will be sore in the morning.

All I could think of while I was having a bit of a mini breakdown in the shower was that I never wanted to eat again.
But you know what; as my stomach is settling down, all I can think of is eating after I finish work tomorrow. 'having control'. F*ck you mind. F*ck you.

I'm never going to let myself eat that much again.



To be clear; I don't think this is an aftermath of ABC. I think this is just the way of my eating disorder. Of my mind. Thinking that I can 'eat normally' with control, but I get too cocky and go overboard.

I think this just makes me more determined.


P.S. not sure if I am going to be blogging every single night like I was for ABC. I only will if something worth blogging about happens. :)
Oh! Also, I got invited to go on a holiday in late November of this year. It's at a beach, so I need to be all toned and bikini ready by then! No excuses! I've got plenty of notice!

AAANNDD, I don't remember if I tweeted or blogged about this, either way, I have mostly night shifts next week, so I am going to start jogging in the morning! :D I just need to get a fitting sportsbra! :S


Push through it.
-Kayla <3